Home Sweet Home
by JaimeBlue
Summary: Another alternate endingcontinuation of Series 8 aka, what happens when JB doesn't write slash p
1. Home Sweet Home

Home Sweet Home

**I originally wasn't going to put this one up, but then I thought, what the hell! Why not give evidence that there's such a thing as a slash-less JB fic :)**   
  


**Disclaimer:** They don't belong to me, yadda yadda yadda   
  


**Author's Notes:** This story is actually the first of a series I intended to write, and only wrote 3 stories for. Stories 2 & 3 follow this one as subsequent chapters. **Both the 2nd and 3rd stories feature an Original Female Character that is obviously a Mary-Sue. **However, the first story is capable of standing alone, so feel free to read this one and not the others.   
  
**Home Sweet Home** It was his punishment, his justification that for every positive in this universe, a negative was to eventually follow. After having spent 3 million years in stasis, Lister had had more freedom than he'd ever thought he could. He had the run of Red Dwarf, no authority whatsoever (after all, Rimmer never quite counted as actual authority), and no other humans telling him how he should live his life (once again, Rimmer, being a hologram, didn't count). Then, after glorious years in that life, he was reunited with his old shipmates on Red Dwarf only to be put in prison for a couple more years, and now was back to where he had begun -- on Z-shift with Rimmer, cleaning the chicken soup dispensers. 

His only consolation was Kochanski. She and Lister had been the only members of the crew not re-created. He guessed the nano-bots hadn't remembered that she was from a parallel dimension. It was probably for the best. Things would get pretty confusing if there were two Kristine Kochanskis on Red Dwarf. 

For a moment, Lister was lost in thoughts of him and two Kochanskis. 

The door opened and in came Rimmer. They'd been placed into the same room they'd always shared. Lister couldn't help but think at how their stay in prison had changed Rimmer. He was still a smeghead, but one without a purpose, without meaning. He'd stopped ignoring the bold print in his brain that tried to tell him every morning, "You will never be an officer. Get on with your life." The problem was, he had no idea what else to do with his life. 

"Hello Lister," he said as he flopped onto his bunk. "Good night Lister." 

"Come on Rimmer, snap out of it, man. You can't go on like this forever." 

He got no response. 

"Well, maybe you could, but you shouldn't, you know. You still have so much to contribute to this world." 

"Like what?" 

"Well...stuff." 

"Face it, Lister. I'm a useless gimboid elk dropping with all the charm of a mosquito." 

"Well, that never stopped anyone before. Come on. We're all the last human beings alive now. We all have to keep alive. We have to continue the species, you know." 

"Yes Lister, I'm certain at this moment half the women on this ship are thinking 'Smeg, I shouldn't have told Rimmer I'd shag him only if he were one of the last men alive. What the hey.' I've already seen the future, Lister, and it's Rimmerless." 

"That might change. You just see. Things always have a way of working themselves out, almost as if life is being written by some eternal optimist always in search of a happy ending. You'll get yours. I know you will." 

They turned out the lights and went to sleep.   
  


* * *   
  


Kochanski couldn't sleep. _How on earth did she put up with it_, she thought. For two hours, she'd been trying to sleep through her new roommate's snoring. She'd been placed in the same quarters as the Kristine Kochanski of this universe, the one who was still dead. She was starting to miss the nurieeks, rotuts, and hernungers of her old room back on Starbug. She couldn't stand this Red Dwarf anymore. Sure, the emprisonment had been the worst of it. But even with that over, she still missed her Dave, her Cat and Kryten, and her universe. 

She wondered if they could possibly miss her as she did them.   
  


* * *   
  


Kryten had entered 'sleep mode' with a smile on his face. He was in heaven. After his probation, he'd been placed in charge of the ship's laundromat. Cleaning all those dirty clothes, day after day... he couldn't be happier. There was only one drawback -- not only had he not been given a room of his own, something he'd gotten used to in the 'old days', but he had been placed in a room with the Cat. Sure, he was happy that they'd finally accepted him as a male (Archie had played his part well), but he simply found it rather aggravating living in a room covered in wall-to-wall mirrors. If he'd wanted to see that much of himself, he'd simply detach his head.   
  


* * *   
  


Captain Hollister woke himself out of his nightmare with a loud scream. It was the same one that had been recurring over the last year. He could never really remember the details of what happened, but he couldn't forget the two faces that even haunted him at night. Rimmer and Lister. Them and that smegging dinosaur... 

He started at the sound of the intercom. "Captain to the bridge." He quickly dressed himself and went up to see what the commotion was about. 

"You know better than to call me while I'm sleeping. Now what is it?" 

"Sir, there is some sort of disturbance in space. According to our sensors, it is some kind of break in the space/time continuum, and any moment now something will be coming out of it." 

True to form and only moments later, a sleek spaceship came out of the rip in space. 

"Sir, we're being hailed." 

"Put in on." 

For a moment, Hollister thought he was stuck in another nightmare. There, on the screen, appeared the face of Arnold Rimmer -- only with longer hair. 

"Hello, Skipper," the man started in truly heroic voice. "Long time no... wait a smegging minute," the voice continued closer to what Hollister was familiar to, "you're not Lister. I mean," it continued, gaining back it's heroism, "the name's Rimmer, Ace Rimmer. I can see things have changed quite a bit since my last visit. Permission to come aboard?" 

Hollister hesitated. The idea of having two Rimmers aboard Red Dwarf bypassed even his worst nightmares. However, he was curious about this other Rimmer. 

"All right. We'll meet you in the shuttle bay." 

"Thanks, Captain. Smoke me a kipper, I'll be back for breakfast." 

For a moment, Hollister wondered if he'd made a mistake leaving his job as donut boy.   
  


* * *   
  


Ace hadn't taken long in explaining his presence. However, Hollister's explanation of the crew's took a little longer. When they'd finished, Hollister invited Ace on a tour of the ship. 

"Sorry, me old fruit. Been there, done that. If you don't mind, I think it's time I met up with some old friends. You understand," Ace said with a wink. 

Ten minutes later, he was standing in the middle of room 99Z, using smelling salts to wake the fallen Rimmer, who hadn't taken well to opening the door to see himself standing there. 

He'd arrived at a good time for all but Kochanski. She was two hands away from winning everyone's money at the weekly poker game. The others welcomed the distraction. 

"Hey Ace, my man. You don't have to do that. We all know he's better company that way." Ace couldn't help thinking Cat hadn't changed a bit. 

"Welcome back Sir!" 

"It's nice to be back Kryten." Ace paused as Rimmer was starting to come around. "How've you been Skipper, and who's the bird?" 

"I've been fine, and the 'bird' is Kochanski." 

Ace looked up at him. "Kristine Kochanski? But she doesn't look at all like her?" 

"That's because she's from another dimension/universe whatchamacallit." 

"Ah." Ace seemed to be lost in thought for a moment. 

"And who the smeg are you," came a voice from the floor, "and what are you doing with my face."   
  


* * *   
  


It took a few moments to explain Ace to Rimmer and Kochanski. When they were done, Lister invited Ace to join in the poker game. 

"I don't think so, me old squid. However, I would like to hear about how Miss Kochanksi came to be in your company." 

"Nothing much, just a little inter-dimensional accident while we were helping each other out." 

"Just out of curiosity," Ace turned to Kochanski, "have you ever played a game called 'The Magic Flute'?" 

"Yes! That's a game we used to play on my Red Dwarf, with my Dave." Lister rolled his eyes at the mention of 'my Dave'. 

"Kryten, out of curiosity, what are the odds that what happened to Miss Kochanski has happened again with another pair of universes?" 

"Why, that's three million, two hundred thousand and twenty four to one, Sir." 

"Just as I thought." Ace smiled, leaned toward Kochanski, and looked her in the eyes. "How would you like to go home?"   
  


* * *   
  


Lister was looking aimlessly out the window into space. He and Ace were alone in the room, and Ace was trying to cheer Lister up as Kochanski was out, packing for her journey home. 

"This was your plan all along, wasn't it Rimmer." 

"Come on Lister. I didn't even know that Red Dwarf and crew were back, let alone that Kochanski was here." 

"You don't know how I'm going to miss her." 

"Yes Lister, I do." Lister gave him a strange look that said 'yeah, right!' "Think, how did I know about that silly game she played in her universe? Because I've been there. That's how I can take her home, because I know where her home is. And since I've been to her home, I've seen what a wreck that Dave Lister had become since losing her. From what that Kryten told me, the only thing that brought him back was his anger once they'd found me." 

"Found you?" 

"Yeah. Apparently in that universe, my father lost his money after he'd had that microchip installed in my brain, the one that he gave my brothers. I don't quite remember the details, but I was on some kind of ship, and we all went into stasis. When the ship crashed, my pod was the only one that survived. So when I got there, they were more or less like we were back when you came out of stasis, except you're the hologram. Either way, we're still at each other's throats," Ace said, stifling a giggle. 

"Yeah, I guess some things never change, smeghead." 

"God, it's been a while since I've heard that. You know, I was kinda getting used to being admired and respected, but I can always count on a git like you to try and put me in my place." 

Lister just kept staring out the window. "I'm really sorry, Lister. I know this is going to hurt, a lot. But it's the right thing to do. Plus, I promised the other Dave to bring her back if I ever found her. I keep my promises now, you know." 

"Does that mean you're gonna pay me back the fifty big ones you owe me?" 

"Smeg off."   
  


* * *   
  


Kochanski could feel herself start to choke up. Even though she missed 'her' friends with a passion, she also knew she was going to miss these guys. One by one, she gave them a hug and a word or two to remember her by. 

Finally, she got to Lister. She knew this would be the hardest goodbye she'd ever had to say. She knew he loved her as he did 'his' Kochanski, and she felt she was robbing him of her. 

"She's somewhere out there, you know. I believe she is. And one day, you will get to Fiji. But as long as I'm here, you won't find her." 

Ace helped her into the cockpit of his ship. "Goodbye guys, I'll miss you all," she said as Ace started the take-off sequence. 

"Goodbye fellas. Smoke me a kipper, I'll be back for breakfast." 

As the ship took off into space, and eventually into another rip created by Ace, Lister didn't know what to think or feel. He felt empty. He couldn't help remembering the movie Casablanca, when Bogart had to say goodbye to his one true love. He turned around and said, "Come on, Rimmer. Let's go." 

Seeing Lister's state of mind, Rimmer felt something out of character -- sympathy for his roommate. He did the only thing he could think of doing. He put an arm over Lister's shoulders for a momentary hug, then pulled back when he thought of how silly he must have looked. He put his hands in his pockets and kept walking alongside Lister to their room. 

_I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship._ Lister shook the thought out of his head and seriously considered never watching another movie again in his entire life. 


	2. More Than Just Someone I've Met

More Than Just Someone I've Met

Once again, be warned -- **Mary-Sue alert!**   
  
**More Than Just Someone I've Met** "Aren't you going to pick that up?" 

"Make me!" 

"Don't you realize I can't concentrate in a messy room?" 

"Concentrate on what? What are you doing that's oh so important?" 

"I'm...I'm..." Rimmer was having trouble thinking of something. 

"Come on Rimmer, it can't be that important if you don't even know what it is." 

"I'm...writing my memoirs. That's it. I'm writing my memoirs, and I need a clean room to do it in." 

"Finally, you're doing something useful. Now whenever parents want to tell their children what not to do in life, they can hand them your memoirs and say 'Read this, and if you turn out anything like that I'll kill 'ya.'" 

Lister was almost sorry he'd gotten on Rimmer's case. It looked almost like he was actually doing something, which was definitely a step up from his usual moping. However, Lister still couldn't see the old spark in Rimmer's eyes, the one that appeared at the mere thought of becoming an officer. 

"I'm off to meet Cat at the pub. Are you sure you won't join us? Not even just to get out of the room for a while?" 

"I'm just not up to it right now. Maybe another time." 

"Well, if you feel like joining us any time, you know where we'll be." 

As he walked to the pub, Lister couldn't help but be reminded of his worries about Rimmer. He was far from calling the man one of his best friends, but they had been through a lot together, and it really bugged him to see Rimmer this way. Well, the drink would help to take the worries away.   
  


*** * ***   
  


"Captain Hollister, our long-range scans are picking up some kind of man-made object. At it's current speed, it should be here within an hour's time." 

"Is there any indication as to what the object is?" 

"It appears to be some kind of escape pod. We're starting to pick up signs of a stasis field." 

"Then there might be someone inside. Have it brought aboard once it's within range."   
  


*** * ***   
  


Hollister was looking at the person lying in the escape pod. His technicians were working on lowering the stasis field and he had wanted to be here to greet the inhabitant. Inside was a woman dressed in an all too familiar uniform, little changed over the centuries. No one could mistake the knee-high leather boots, the dark navy pants with the yellow stripe, the red serge jacket, and last but not least, the hat... 

He briefly wondered what on earth a Canadian Mountie was doing in deep space. 

"Captain, she should be coming to any moment now." 

Within moment, the woman's eyes flickered to life. "Where am I? What just happened?" 

"I am Captain Hollister, of the Jupiter Mining Corporation vessel Red Dwarf. We just found your escape pod, and have woken you from stasis." 

"What year is it?" 

"What year was it the last you remember?" 

"2345." 

"Add about 3 million to that and you're pretty close to what year it is." 

"Oh my." She got up out of the pod, and was soon standing next to Hollister. He could see she was doing her best to keep any trace of emotion off her face. "I'm Constable Jessica Wolfe of the RCMP, though I don't suppose they exist anymore, do they." 

"As far as we know, we are the last remaining humans alive. We are many many light years away from our solar system, and we doubt we'll ever see it again." 

"Thank you for taking the time to rescue me, Captain." 

"It was our duty, and our pleasure. I'm certain we can find a place for you here on Red Dwarf. But, if you'll forgive me, even in 2345, wasn't the RCMP extinct?" 

"That's what we wanted everyone to think, Sir. We'd changed with the times, and turned ourselves into an elite police unit out for hire to the highest bidder." 

"Then can I assume correctly that your skills are top notch?" 

"Yes Sir. In fact, I was known as the best in the force -- nerves of steel, a steady hand, and an unmatched innate sense of justice. I was the last to get off my ship, when I got into the pod. I couldn't leave until the rest were safely off. I wonder if any of them survived..." She looked off into nothingness for a moment. "Forgive me, Captain. It appears it may take me a few moments to adjust to my new situation." 

"Take all the time you need. When you're settled, we'll have you fitted with a new uniform. Luckily, one of our bunks was recently vacated. I hope you have no objections to sharing a room." 

"None whatsoever. Sir, I don't suppose someone could give me a tour of the ship? I tend to feel more secure once I've had a once over of the terrain." 

"Certainly. Kowalski!" A man ran over from the other side of the room. "Escort the Constable to the ship's stores where she can pick up something to wear, take her to her new quarters, 77Z, where she can leave her uniform and meet her new roommate, then take her on a tour of the ship." 

"Yes Sir. This way ma'am."   
  


*** * ***   
  


Rimmer was tired of keeping to his room. It was beginning to feel quite claustrophobic and he decided to join the others in the pub. Parrott's bar looked the same it had always been. He spied the others and walked over to their table. It didn't surprise him to see that Kryten had joined them as well. 

"Well, look who's come out of hiding," Lister called out. "How's the memoirs coming along?" 

"About as well as your drinking. Pour me a glass, will you?" 

Lister took a moment to get over the shock of hearing Rimmer ask for a glass of lager. He never drank lager. Maybe he was sicker than Lister thought. 

Shortly thereafter, Lister felt a tap on his shoulder. He turned around and saw Jane Zimmerman, Kochanski's old roommate. "How's it hangin, Jane?" 

"You wouldn't believe this, but I just got m'self a new roommate." 

"What?" 

"Yeah. Apparently, they just found some escape pod and brought it aboard. The Captain invited her to be part of the crew. 

"What do you know about her so far?" 

"Well, all I know is what I saw when I got to me room. There was this uniform on the other bunk -- a Canadian Mountie's uniform. What the smeg one of them's been doin in space, I'll never know. I'm off to meet some of the girls. Later." 

"Later. Well, how 'bout that. We've got us a live Mountie here on the ship." 

"I know their types," Rimmer started. "They're worse than Ace Rimmer. They think just because they're some kind of elite force that they're better than everyone else." 

"Well, the reason they're elite is because they usually are." 

"Well, she'd better not cross Arnold J. Rimmer, or else she might just get a piece of my mind." 

"A piece? Are you sure you have that much left to give?" The Cat finished his glass of lager and poured himself another, catching his reflection in the liquid. 

"Well, I'm certain her skills will be a great addition to the crew." 

"Oh, shut up Kryten," Rimmer grumbled. 

"Smeeeeee, heeeeee." 

"Hey guys," piped up Lister. "Look at the bird coming in with Kowalski. I don't suppose that's our new girl, eh?" 

They all turned to see Kowalski and Constable Wolfe. She'd changed out of her dress reds into an outfit that wasn't all that different: black slacks and a red blouse. She'd let her long brown hair down now that she wasn't wearing her hat. She slowly scanned the room, examining every sight like a typical police officer. Her face changed once she'd spotted their table. For some reason, she was now extremely excited and she immediately rushed toward them. 

"Oh my God, is it really you?" They were all shocked to see her speaking to Rimmer. "You've barely changed. My God, you're still one of the best looking men around." A couple of glasses of lager were soon spit out. The people in the rest of the bar were soon getting quieter. "Oh, where's my manners. I bet I've changed so much you don't remember me. Duke, it's me, Jessie Wolfe." 

For the first time in ages, Rimmer's face broke into a smile. "Little Jessie Wolfe? The last time I saw you, you were nine! Wow, you've really changed." 

"I know, I kinda grew up a little." 

"I mean, you really, really changed." 

"You're making me blush. Why don't you introduce me to your friends." 

"Yeah, 'Duke', why don't you introduce us," Lister couldn't resist saying. 

As Rimmer was making the introductions, Kowalski made his way over to their table. "Constable, it's time to move on to the next part of our tour." 

"Just give me a moment. Well, it was really nice meeting you guys. And you," she faced Rimmer, "I will definitely see you later. We have so much to catch up on." She gave him a big hug, then a little kiss on the cheek, after which her face turned the same colour as her blouse. She said a quick goodbye, then left with Kowalski. 

As Rimmer looked away from the departing figure, he realized everyone in the pub was staring at him. "What? Haven't you got anything better to do? Go on." 

Soon, everyone was back to their drinks and conversations, all but Lister, Cat and Kryten. "So, 'Duke', you're still one of the best-looking guys around, eh?" Lister grinned. 

"I seem to remember her having a little crush on me." 

"Is that all it was?" 

"For God's sake, Lister. She was nine, I was fifteen, and her babysitter." 

"Whatever you say, man." 

"You mean you sat on her?" The Cat looked confused. "It's a wonder she came out looking human!"   
  


*** * ***   
  


Rimmer heard a sound at the door. "Come in." 

"Hey Duke, it's Jessie." 

"How was the tour?" 

"Well, I think I know more about recyc than I ever wanted to know. It shouldn't be hard to keep this place safe. The Captain said he wanted me to check out the prisons. He said in the last few years, there have been several occasions on which inmates were able to break out and pull pranks on each other and ship's officers. He thinks I can solve whatever problems they have. 

Rimmer did his best to hide the smirk on his face. "Won't you sit down, make yourself at home." 

"Thanks. It's been quite the day. I'm still not fully over the fact that I'm now 3 million years into the future," she said as she sat down at a nearby table. 

"You get used to it." 

"I'm sure you do. So, what is it you do aboard this ship?" 

"Well...I'm an engineer." 

"You're lying." 

"No I'm not!" 

"Yes, you are. Remember, you've never been able to lie to me, Duke. It may have been 16 plus 3 million years ago, but I still know you like the back of my hand." 

"I'm Second Technician -- basically in charge of refilling the vending machines." 

"That's not so bad. Low pressure job that gets you out into space. It must leave you lots of time for your artwork." 

"My what?" 

"Don't you remember? You used to make all those beautiful pictures for me. I've even saved my favourite one." She took a folded laminated piece of paper out of her pants pocket and handed it to Rimmer. It was a picture of a fairy tale. In a tall turret stood a princess that looked like a 9 year old Jessie Wolfe, while off in the distance, a knight in shining armour was racing to save her. 

"It was all just silliness. These little pictures were meaningless. Just scraps of paper with colour on them." 

"They weren't meaningless. I kept every single one of them in an album. That's just the only one I was able to get before entering the escape pod." She thought for a moment. "You still think so little of yourself, don't you?" 

"When you're the lowest of the low, what else is there to think." He looked over at Wolfe, whose eyes had started shining with unshed tears. "When I'd heard they'd brought aboard some Mountie, I'd have never thought in a million years, or 3 million for that matter, that it would be you." 

"I've changed, Duke." 

"I can see that." 

"And it's all because of you." Rimmer was quite taken aback. "Remember when I was little and Daddy moved us to Io. He thought, once again, that we could find me a school where the kids wouldn't beat me up, or throw rocks at me, or tease me. I'd given him quite a scare back on earth, when he'd walked in on me cutting my wrist open. 

"When I met you, I not only met someone who was going through the same things I was, but I met someone who was doing a better job at surviving it than me. You took me under your wing, so to speak. I felt like, for the first time in my life, someone gave a smeg about me. 

"When daddy found that job a year later and moved us away again, I vowed that I would do whatever I could to make you proud of me. I didn't care about what my parents or my teachers or my classmates thought. I just cared about what you would think when next we met. I wanted to hear you say you were proud of me. So, everything I've done, the education I've had, the job with the RCMP, all of it, I did for you." 

Rimmer just stared at her. This revelation was the last thing he'd expected. "For me?" 

"Yes, Duke." 

Rimmer was having difficulty figuring out what it was he was feeling. He had this strange tingling sensation all over that he couldn't describe. When he'd been hired by Mr. Wolfe as Jessie's babysitter, he'd had no idea what to do with a 9-year-old girl. He'd just gone on instinct. He decided that that was the best way to go with Jessie. 

Arnold walked over to Jessie and wrapped his arms around her. He didn't have to see her face to know she was crying. He found himself saying words he never thought he'd hear from his own mouth. "I'm proud of you, Jess." That's all it took to get him crying. When they were younger, she'd often run to him, tears streaming from her eyes, telling him the latest things the kids had done to her, and he'd start to cry as well. Her pain had been his. Her pain was still his. And her release was also his. 

"Look at us," she laughed through her tears. "We're just a couple of sad-sacks bawling our eyes out for no good reason." She pulled away from him and started wiping the tears from her face. "I think I'd better go to bed. I'll see you in the morning." She rose from her seat and headed for the door. 

"Wait, Jess." 

"Yes, Duke?" 

"I'm really glad you're aboard." 

"So am I." 

"And Jess..." 

"Yes?" 

"Could you please not call me 'Duke' in front of the others?" 

"No problem, 'Rimmer'. Goodnight." 

As the door closed behind Wolfe, Rimmer went to get his pyjamas from the closet. He absently reached for the paper and watercolours he often used to make up his study timetables. As Rimmer turned out the light when he finally fell asleep, his hand held on to the newly painted picture of two birds in flight. 


	3. Getting To Know You

Getting to Know You...

**Disclaimer: **All characters, except Jessie Wolfe, and all settings belong to Grant-Naylor, et al.****

**Getting to Know You...**

Jessie Wolfe was getting worried. She was down to her bra and panties, and was close to having to choose which one of those was to go next. For a moment, she wished she'd done more to learn poker than watching Star Trek:TNG in Cadet school. 

"Come on, Canuck. What'll it be?" Although it was her last name, Lister hadn't felt comforatble calling her "Wolfe". The moment he'd first called her "Canuck", it had stuck. 

"Give me a moment, I'm thinking." 

"You take more time thinking than it does for goal-post head here to move up in rank." The Cat was the only one still fully clothed. It wasn't because he was good at poker, but simply because he wore more clothing than the rest. 

Wolfe lay her cards face-down on the table, and they could see her shimmying on her seat a moment. When she'd finished, she threw her panties on top of the pile on the table. "One pair of underwear." 

"Okay," stated Lister. "Show what you've got." 

Cat only had a pair of Aces. Kryten had two pair. Rimmer showed his flush with a gloating smile, saying "Beat that!" 

"All right," Wolfe countered, displaying her full house. "The pot's mine." 

"Not so fast." They all looked at Lister. He put his hand on the table, showing his four 2s. Wolfe's face dropped into her hands. With only her bra left, she couldn't continue, knowing she'd only lose it. 

"Well, I'm out for the night. Now, if you'll hand me my clothes, I'll head off to bed." 

"Tsk, tsk, tsk," Lister started. "Fair is fair. We get to keep what we win here." 

"But how on earth am I supposed to get back to my room looking like this?" 

"I think that's for you to figure out." 

She paused for a moment with an angry look upon her face. _God, I wish I had my gun_. The look soon changed, and for some reason Lister felt he should worry. 

"I don't suppose there's any other way for me to get my clothes back? Anything I can do to win them back?" Her eyes held an evil glint within them. 

"What did you have in mind?" 

"Now hold on here!" Rimmer interjected. 

"Shut up Rimmer. As I was saying, what did you have in mind?" 

"Come over here and I'll tell you." 

Lister got up and walked over to Wolfe. As she whispered in his ear, his smile fell off his face. He went over to his seat, collected her clothes, and handed them back to her. After she'd gotten dressed, she said her goodnights and left the room. 

"What did she say?" asked Cat. 

"Nothing. Let's just get back to the game." _Smeg, she HAD to have access to the ship's dream banks, and Starbug's._   
  


*** * ***   
  


Their shifts were over, and Lister, Cat, Kryten, and Rimmer were seated in Parrott's bar. 

"So, Canuck's getting on pretty well here, isn't she." 

"Well, she's still coming to terms with a few things. And I worry about her," Rimmer shook his head. "The more time she spends with bums like us, the less she's going to succeed. I'm afraid I'm just going to hold her back." 

"Rimmer, it's her life. Let her live it. Maybe she prefers bums like us to the smeghead officers on this ship." 

"From what I have observed of Miss Wolfe," piped in Kryten, "she is extremely stubborn and is well capable of taking care of herself. I suspect she worries about you more than you do her." 

"Oh, shut up Kryten." 

"Smeeee, heeee." 

"Speak of the devil," said Cat, momentarily taking his attention away from his reflection in his beer. 

Wolfe, still dressed in her uniform, entered Parrott's and headed straight for the bar. Her face was missing its characteristic smile. After receiving her rum and coke, she headed for the table. 

"Guys, I think we need to have a little talk." 

"What about, Miss Wolfe?" Kryten asked. 

"About the time you guys spent in the tank." The boys looked at one another. "How did you do it? How did you get out of your cells to pull those pranks?" 

"We can't tell. We'd only get someone in trouble." Lister, for once in his life, looked serious. 

"I'm asking off-the-record. Whatever you tell me, I will not repeat. But I need to know so I can make something up to tell the Captain. He's expecting me to tell him something." 

"And why should we trust you?" 

"We can trust her, Lister," said Rimmer. "I know her better than all of you, and she wouldn't do anything to hurt someone she considers to be her friend." 

Lister looked at the faces around the table, all telling him they (God forbid) agreed with Rimmer. 

"It was Bob." 

"Who's Bob?" 

"He's one of the skutters. He'd be our eyes, ears, and hands outside our cells." 

"And why did he listen to you?" 

"I don't know. Maybe it's our personalities. Maybe he felt sorry for us. It could be anything." 

"I think I can answer this question, Sir." 

"Go ahead Kryten." 

"Ma'am, Mister Lister and I are almost the only individuals on the ship that treat and speak to the skutters as if they were any other sentient being. It was out of their appreciation that they would help us." 

"Well," Wolfe thought for a moment, "it'll take me a while to think up something believable, but something will come to me eventually. At times, I'm a master of bull-shit. But then again, I learnt from the best." She mock-punched Rimmer in the shoulder. "So, what's the news on the ship?" 

"Nothing much. Still going through space, still trying to get back to Earth," Lister droned. 

As they nursed their drinks, the music in the bar changed. Wolfe recognized it as one of her favourite songs. "Hey, guys, who feels like joining me on the dance floor?" Her question was met with blank stares. "Come on, who's going to volunteer? It's not like I'm asking you to have a root canal." 

"Well, a root canal would be more fun. At least you don't have to do anything," Lister laughed in his beer. 

"Come on. Cat, I know you can dance. Why don't you show me some of your moves?" She looked at him with her best 'puppy-dog' expression. 

"All right. I guess I just can't keep all this talent to myself." 

She grabbed his arm and led him to the dance floor. They started moving to the music, Cat toning down his steps so she could keep up. It was obvious how much she loved dancing. Rimmer couldn't help but notice the smile on her face, the sway of her hips that matched the music's rhythm perfectly, and the way she mouthed the lyrics to the song. For the slightest moment, Rimmer even felt jealous of the Cat, who was bumping and grinding to the music as much as she. He shook his head and turned his attention to Lister and Kryten. 

"...And that's when Petersen says, 'what do you mean I'm drunk. I was born with blood-shot eyes.'" 

"Oh, that was a good one, Mister Lister Sir. You really know how to tell a story for the hundredth time." 

For a couple of minutes, Kryten regaled them with tales from his adventures in the laundromat. Soon, the Cat sat back down at the table and Rimmer felt a hand on his shoulder. He turned to look at Wolfe, only now realizing the music had changed to a slower pace. 

"Your turn, Duke," she whispered in his ear. 

"Maybe another time..." 

"Come on, just one dance." 

Rimmer looked around sheepishly, then whispered in her ear. "I can't dance." 

"Then I'll just have to teach you." 

"But we'll look ridiculous out there." 

"Hey, you know how you always tell me how the others think so poorly of you? Can it get any lower? What have you got to lose?" 

Inside, Rimmer let out a tiny giggle. She'd always been able to put things in a unique perspective. "You're right..." 

That's all the response she needed. She grabbed his hand and pulled him out of his chair. _She's a lot stronger than I thought. I bet she could probably even beat McGruder in the ring._

On the floor, she took his hands and put them behind her. As she placed her hands on his shoulders, she whispered to him. "With this kind of music, it's very simple. Just put your arms around each other, and sway to the music." As she swayed in his arms, he tried to follow her lead. It didn't take him long to match her rhythm, which surprised him. He usually had two left feet when it came to dancing, and no rhythm whatsoever. 

Once he no longer had to think about what he was doing, his mind turned to the woman in his arms. He'd expected a woman of her strength to have a hard body, like McGruder's. However, Wolfe felt soft in his arms. She laid her head on his chest, and he began feeling quite strange. He began to acknowledge his attraction to her for the first time, and wavered between feeling confused and guilty. The last he remembered of her was the little 9-year old girl with eternally tear-stained eyes who could only be cheered by a mug of hot cocoa and one of his pictures. She'd been like a little sister to him then... 

But this wasn't a 9-year old girl. This was a full-grown woman, with all the parts that made her one. But that wasn't all: she'd known him at his worst, when he was at one of the many lows of his life. She knew everything about his childhood, and how he felt about it. Yet, here she was, in his arms, teaching him to dance... 

He felt her pull away and realized the music was over. They walked back to the table and joined the others.   
  


* * *   
  


"Lister?" 

"Yeah, Rimmer." 

"Could I ask you something?" 

"Sure, man. Go ahead." 

"What do you think of Jessie?" 

"The Canuck?" He looked down from his bunk to see Rimmer staring at the top of his. "I don't know. She's terrible at poker. She's really nice, but she has one major flaw." 

"What's that? 

"Well, for some reason, she seems to really like you." He laughed, but got not response from the bottom bunk. "Why do you ask? Are you starting to have feelings for her?" 

"Who me? Noooo. I was just curious." 

"Well, I'll tell you one thing. She's a pretty good dancer." 

"That's for sure." 

Lister heard the hint of a deeper meaning in that response. He thought about how much Rimmer had changed in the past week since Wolfe had come aboard. He was livelier, and the glint had reappeared in his eyes. One day, when he'd had the room to himself, Lister had taken a peek into Rimmer's bunk. He'd seen a number of paintings, presumably by Rimmer, tacked to the ceiling. He'd been impressed at how good they were. 

Lister knew Wolfe was the reason behind the changes in Rimmer. She was good for him. With her influence, Rimmer may one day be almost human. However, Lister wondered whether or not Rimmer would actually let himself be happy. He knew Rimmer had feelings for Wolfe, that was all too obvious. Whether he would ever express those feelings, Lister didn't know.   
  


* * *   
  


Rimmer and Lister had just finished their shift and were headed back to their room when they were paralyzed by a vision in blue standing by the lift. The woman stood with her back to them. Her dark hair cascaded down her back. The skirt of the dress was very long, almost to the floor with an equally long slit, revealing a very shapely leg. 

Lister went into automatic flirt mode. He approached the woman, not hesitating a second. "Care for a lift?" He put on his biggest smile. 

The woman turned her face to him, revealing an all-too-familiar pair of blue eyes, made even bluer by the shade of her dress. "Thanks, Lister, but these heels give me enough lift as it is." Her smile spread to her eyes, making them sparkle. "Are you boys on your way off work?" 

It took Lister a moment to associate his thoughts with speech. Rimmer was still paralyzed to the spot, now for an altogether different reason. 

"Yeah. And where are you headed? I could have been certain we had no uniforms that looked that good." 

"I've been invited to dine with the Captain this evening. I have to give him my report on the prisons after supper. I just hope he buys it." She notices Rimmer hadn't said a thing, and hadn't even moved an inch. "Arnold, are you ok?" 

Lister elbows Rimmer out of his paralysis. "I'm...I'm fine. It's just I've...I've...never seen you look so...so..." Rimmer's voice trailed off. 

Wolfe smiled and blushed. "I wanted to make a good impression for the Captain and his officers. You know how stuck-up they are. You have no worth unless you look like a million bucks." The lift's bell rang and the doors opened. "Well, I'll see you boys later. Wish me luck." 

Lister and Rimmer looked at each other, jaws agape. They both knew they would have pleasant dreams that night.   
  


* * *   
  


"Holly, what time is it?" 

"It's ten minutes past the last time you asked me. It's 22:10." 

Rimmer had been on edge all evening. He couldn't get the thought of Wolfe at the Captain's table out of his head. There she was, with the likes of Todhunter, et. all., dressed to kill. No sane man could resist her dressed as she was. He couldn't even bear the thought of her leaving dinner with one of those smegheads. 

"Holly, has Constable Wolfe returned to her quarters yet?" 

"Not yet, Rimmer." 

What could be keeping her? He'd been asking Holly for the last two hours whether or not she had returned to her quarters. After the first five requests, Lister had become fed up and had left for the bar. Rimmer thought he should try another tactic. 

"Holly, is Constable Wolfe still in the Captain's quarters?" 

"No. She left there over an hour ago." 

"Why the smegging hell didn't you tell me that?" 

"You didn't ask." 

"Well, did she leave alone?" 

"Yes." 

"And where is she now?" 

"She is in the observations dome, deck 3." 

Rimmer left his room and arrived at the dome as fast as he could. He was pleased to notice Wolfe standing alone. He waited until he had caught his breath, then slowly walked to her. Without turning, she knew he was there, had felt his approach. 

"I feel like such a fraud." 

Rimmer stopped right behind her. He didn't know what to say, so he just stood and listened. 

"You should have seen them. They were so stuck-up. For God's sake, they even served Gazpacho soup. How more pretentious could they get?" Her gentle laugh filled the dome. "The whole time I kept wishing I was hanging out with you guys in the pub. At least there I'm not constantly being hit on by smeghead officers who think they're God's gift to women. 

"And they all thought I was just like them. There I was, in this fancy dress, trying to act like one of them, while I'm not. I never have been and never will be. I don't even want to be, but this smegging hierarchy of command means I have to maintain a good relationship with them. If they even had a clue about what I used to be like when you knew me, that at heart I'm more Arnold Rimmer than Todhunter, they'd blacklist me faster than they could say 'gehzundheit'. All they cared about was who I was on the outside. It made me sick to my stomach." 

Rimmer moved forward and placed his hands on her shoulders. She leaned back against him and relaxed against his chest. They stayed like that, staring out at the stars, before either of them spoke again. 

"Do you think we'll ever reach Earth?" 

"I don't think so, Jess. But that won't stop us from trying." He placed a kiss on the top of her head. She turned around so that she was facing him. She looked into his eyes as she spoke. 

"Thank you, for being here for me this week. I don't think I could have gotten through it without you." 

The electricity that had been drawing them together was now irresistible. Their heads bent forward as their arms wrapped around each other. The kiss was so deep they didn't even notice the sound of the door opening, and therefore didn't see the figure in the doorway smile one of his characteristic grins. _It's about smegging time,_ Lister thought as he walked away from the dome, giving the couple their privacy. 


End file.
